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‘Today I Wanted to End My Life’. An Account on Having Hope

As part of our Mind Your Mind Mental Health Campaign we will be submitting stories that you send in to us about your experiences with mental health. We hope that this will help to destigmatise mental health and increase conversation.

If you would like to submit a story you can do so anonymously by following the link below:

For now, have a read of this week’s story:

**Content warning: This article contains discussion of suicidal thoughts.**

Today, I wanted to end my life.
No, not my life, rather the pain inside of me.
The pain was excruciating. It tore me to pieces. I held my stomach tight so that the tears would stop, but they didn’t. I swallowed back my tears so that no-one would notice.
Everything hurt. Every part of me, hurt.

To breathe, hurt.

To move, hurt.

The thought of surviving in the presence of such pain, hurt.

I saw darkness and with no escape.
I wanted to go, just so that the darkness would leave. Just so, it would stop eating away at me. Just so, everything could stop. The pain would stop. The heartache would stop. The sadness would stop. The emptiness inside of me, would stop. The darkness, a force so strong, it overtook every reason apparent to live. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t live with the darkness surrounding my very existence. The pain, so deeply excruciating, that there only seems to be one way out, to let go. Let go of my very own being, my existence, to close my eyes, one last time.

But… knowing that it is forbidden, is a strong deterrent. See, even though the darkness makes everything so difficult, my faith means a lot to me. My Lord, of whom sometimes I am distant from, is my everything. So, it matters to me, what He allows and on the contrary, forbids.

So, I spoke to my Lord and I told Him about the pain, the darkness and the difficulty in taking each step. He showed me the light and assured my heart, that light is a force that will always overcome darkness. He showed me the path and assured me that it was okay, that I should just take it one step at a time. He told me that I would always be enough, accepts me as I am, loves and cares for me and that I will never be alone. He told me to hold tight to His rope and how even if I let go, His presence will forever remain. He told me that He knows my pain. He knows the deep sadness that lingers within. He promised, that with every call of help, He is near and He responds. I was too important to Him, to give up on myself. He wanted me to try my best and every time I felt like I couldn’t go on, to
remember Him and be with Him.

The darkness is a force that is weak, in comparison to the greatness of the light that surrounds my very being. It is in fact a struggle that I go through, which makes my acts, in attaining closeness to Allah, more meaningful and special. Allah knows and the help of Allah in fighting the darkness, in trusting His light, in struggling in His path makes the
journey even more beautiful.

So, I chose to live, to survive, to trust in the light and to flourish.
Light will always overcome darkness.

I want you to remember this. You, reading this…
Whatever struggle it is that you face, whatever darkness surrounds you, I want you to know that:
You are worthy.
You are important.
You matter.

I know that it’s difficult. I want you to take it one step at a time. The most important thing is, to be kind to yourself.
Know that light is the greatest force, over and above darkness. So, if you promise that you’ll strive to survive, to flourish, there will be light. It’ll be the most beautiful light to exist, because it came as a result of the struggle that you endured. I want you to know that it’s okay, it’s okay to slip up, to struggle, to fall back. Allah knows the struggle within. He knows that it’s difficult. I want you to try and if you fall, seek the help of Allah and He’ll grant you strength to rise.

Never give up on yourself.
No matter how difficult it becomes, no matter how excruciating the pain is, never give up on yourself.
Your presence in this world matters. You matter.
With a heart as soft as yours, with potential as great as yours, with a character as beautiful as yours, you have so much to offer the world. Stay close to your Lord and I promise He’ll look after you.

So, when the pain gets too much and you want to escape the darkness, seek an escape in sujood (prostration), in the company of your Lord. Turn away from the world it’s just you and your Lord. Seek solace here and spend as much time as you need. Gather the strength that Allah provides, go out and achieve the greatness that you were destined

Allah knows that your struggle makes it so much harder to go on, never mind flourish. But, He also knows that you are one of His most beautiful creations, destined to flourish spread light in a world, where darkness resides. He loves you. He cares for you. He’s with you. He’s your light. He’s your reason. He believes in you and who knows you better than He?

In a lot of cases, poor mental health can lead to suicide, like above. No matter the gravity of the situation, know that it’s okay to seek help if you need it. This can be through counselling, support of family/loved ones, meditation and prayer, kindness to oneself, medication if effective etc. Don’t suffer in silence. You matter. Other self-help can include: small manageable goals to get through each day, a support network is super important, keeping a diary (or other modes of expressing your emotions), communication and socialising with the right company (even if all you want to do is isolate yourself), taking care of yourself step by step, (physical, mental and emotional health), doing things you enjoy again (step by step), allowing yourself step up and step down options for your goals for the day (step down: if things get too much and you need to go easy, that’s okay or step up: if you want to challenge yourself)
and any other healthy means of helping yourself.

There are different variations of ill mental health and so your treatment shall be according to your specific need, whether it be depression, anxiety, PTSD, eating disorders.

The main purpose of this blog post was to remind you that you are special, you are important  you can get through this. It was to remind you, that there is light. Your greatest source of help is Allah, so ask from Him. Wallahi, He shall never fail you.

The Ummah of Muhammad (PBUH) is one body. When one part is in pain, the whole body is in pain.

Let us not neglect a subject so prudent to address.
You are not alone.